I can see it has been a while since I wrote here. It has been more quiet after the memorial. Which has been enjoyable. It is just me here, in the flat, and some of Kamalashila’s ashes, next to his photo. The journey I am on is still very undefined. But along the way I need to do practical bits and pieces, continue with sorting out his stuff. Overall I am coping fairly well so far. The London sky is slate grey right now. Leafless branches swaying in the wind. My socks are slightly wet. I have mopped the floor. Apart from speaking to a friend over the phone and a fellow course participant coming over for a cup of tea, nothing much is happening here today. Though I did some cleaning in anticipation of the imminent visitor. And I made some sesame cookies.
Cleaning was an area Kamalashila and I would find it hard to see eye to eye on. He propagated that people should just take us how we are. Whereas I defended the notion of paying respect to our guests by inviting them into a clean house. In the pandemic and in the lockdown there was quite a slide of standards, coinciding with a decided lack of guests. However way we turned it, Kamalashila did not have the energy to do much around the house in the last year of his life. And for him, having little energy, it was important to choose what activity to spend his time on. I don’t have an answer here. There is a pondering though. He did acknowledge that it was quite pleasant to have clean surfaces around. Not having this bone of contention between us anymore, I feel strangely bereaved. There is freedom in not having anyone to look after and worry about. But yet it also gave me a direction and a purpose. It is just me now. And I am not sure where that is going. I have no idea what will be unfolding. What will I do? Probably just what I am already doing? Every morning after I wake up I make myself a big glass of tea. Then later on I will have breakfast and a glass of herbal tea. As the morning is approaching its end, I will make myself a coffee. Standing in the little kitchen that is now mine and preparing beverages, I wonder about the regularity of my life at the moment. Life with Kamalashila was never boring. There is a definite lack of unpredictability now. And I don’t think I like it that much. Though I don’t mind it either. It is all undecided. My heart skips a beat.
