Things are still quiet here. And too quiet for my liking. New patterns need to emerge at some point. I need to spend less time alone. I had the strangest realisation this morning. I am actually starting a new life. I must say the idea of it made me excited. Although Kamalashila is still in my life in many ways, the reality of it is he is not here anymore. What is ahead is that I continue to respond to life as well as I can. Making considered decisions at cross roads. Keeping in touch with integrity and truth. Looking after myself as best as I can. Knowing that in looking after myself, I am looking after the future. Looking after myself also means caring for the grief that shows itself in small and big ways. Embracing it. Loving it even. A few days ago I had another realisation. The best gift to myself right now is seeing solving problems as fun opportunities. Not as a load of stones around my neck. So this is how I am hoping to move forward. Alone. With the help of others, no doubt. But basically alone. I feel I may be growing up more. Getting more resilient and independent. I am more confident in my ability to respond to a crisis. Kamalashila is dead. And I am still here. It boggles the mind. Yet this is what is arising.
