It is three days after Kamalashila’s death. A nurse at the hospice had told me nothing would be happening during the weekend regarding registration etcetera. So I did not have to think about anything like that. I walked along the river with a friend. And yesterday morning I went to the hospice, accompanied by another friend, to go through all the steps that need to be taken. Later we had coffee and she listened to my account of the past three weeks. She accompanied me home and sat next to me as I made the appointment for the death registration. This felt very significant. I cried. We talked through what needed to be asked and said before I phoned the funeral directors to arrange the direct cremation. Kamalashila’s cremation will happen in the Lambeth Crematorium in Tooting. I smile when I type Tooting. It is a significant place for our Buddhist community.
Later in the day I met another friend who is going to help with the memorial service. We discussed possible dates. We talked about Kamalashila. About the last weeks. I came home. Cooked a meal for myself. I have hardly been home. I have only come home to sleep, have a bath, read a book, do some necessary chores. I went through the sad contents of the fridge. None of it has had much attention and a lot of it needed to come out and be thrown away.
This morning a good friend came to collect the drum Kamalashila wanted him to have. The beating of that drum reminds me of the beating of his heart. It represents his passion and his voice. I felt a bit sick when it was packed away. But it goes to the best home for it and was received with pride and gratitude. I know it will be put to very good use. Kamalashila’s virtual vihara feels clear and calm. There is no sense of lingering here. We have had a lot of months to prepare for his death, so we have talked about where things would go and how to approach this time after his death. But of course there are many bits and pieces that need to be decided on and that we hadn’t thought about. And it is quite early days. I feel I first need to process what has happened since the new diagnosis. I haven’t even sensed into the giant hole Kamalashila is leaving in the fabric of my life.