I often feel quiet these days. I have not much to say. I can feel upset. It can sit heavily in my body: in my chest and stomach. But it is hard to give it words. I look at myself as I am brushing my teeth. How amazing that my eyes are seemingly still when my head is moving side to side, teeth and hand engaging with the electric toothbrush. These motor movements that actually really do not need me. Rain is coming down softly. The new flowers in the planters outside the windows must surely benefit from that.

As Kamalashila’s second guest of today leaves, the flat falls back into silence. There is not much sound within, but I hear an airplane overhead, some shouting children outside and the engine of the occasional car passing by. In my experience it is hard to find a balance between engaging with people and being with myself. I think KS has always needed plenty of time to regroup, to come back to himself, go deeper into his thoughts after seeing people. But now it is more of a search. How does it work best. A process of trial and error. There is more intensity in the meetings and less energy to engage. More time needed to recuperate and more space to find the way to the depths. How does that balancing work? Wanting to meet people, and at the same time needing to really meet yourself. I have never found that easy for myself. But these days I need more time to quietly sit and feel and think and sense. Watching the clouds go by. Noticing subtle traces of rain meeting roof tiles and cables. Leaving drops on the windows. As the rain falls I keep looking and pondering.

Cityscape with planters on a drizzly day, 8 July 2024.