We are in a different hell realm now, I said to a friend. But this one has many doors. But perhaps I am exaggerating. It is all so very mixed and there has been a lot of tenderness, clarity and love in the past months. After it became clear that Kamalashila most likely is not going to die anytime soon and now even has a good chance for remission, there is quite a bit of catching up to do emotionally and cognitively. I am talking to different friends to process what has happened this week. In the afternoons I go to the hospital to visit Kamalashila. He is feeling a lot better today, but is still too nauseous for much eating. This afternoon I will take porridge in a thermos flask. It is only custard and porridge for him at the moment.
I have a bit more time to myself in the mornings and feel more energy to engage with non-cancer related projects. But there are also phone calls to be made from and to the hospital, and emails to write. After starting the day upset, I am calming down and breathing more deeply. I am asking myself: what has actually happened? I keep going back to that conversation with the oncologist on 1 May. The colonoscopy had failed to produce any conclusive results. And somehow it was decided not to follow this up with a needle biopsy. Perhaps because the chances of KS surviving very long were statistically very slim at that moment. We don’t know. My mind is coming back to it, asking: Why? Why? But it is better to let that go now and cautiously start looking at the future and preparing for it as best as I can. Perhaps it is even better to just be here, now. But hey.
