Monday has come. I had been wondering how to take my mind off what was supposed to be happening at the hospital today: KS’s first round of treatment. But through a series of innocent mistakes the PET scan that should precede the treatment is not going ahead. It means two or three days of delay. I am off to run some errands and as I am walking the streets I feel into my disappointment. It seems to be lodged in my stomach. As my mind repeatedly goes back to what has happened, I sense into my frustration. I try to be curious about it. I feel the edge of a strange contentment, but then we are back again to a level of frustration that makes my jaw go rigid. This goes back and forth for quite a while. When I text Kamalashila a few hours later, he seems to already have let go of the impact of the delay. He is reorganising his space, it seems. There are a few requests of bits and pieces that I should take with me when I visit him later today.
It feels good to have a few things going that are under some sort of control. After I come home I make granola as my current batch is running out. I am researching spelt risotto recipes (though it should have been barley, but hey ho). As the granola is cooling down and the nutty flavours keep presenting themselves to my sense of smell, it is time for some writing. Another way of putting things into some sort of order. Giving them shape. I fall into counting breaths. I drop into helplessness. I arrive where I am.
